Further Proof that the Ice Cream Man is Demonic

Spoilers

Since the Rapture is clearly inevitable I recently watched Legion to better prepare myself for the apocalyptic wasteland that I'm sure to be living in once all the goodie-goodies are gone and I pick myself up a sweet new TV set-up. For those of you who don't know what this poorly rated film's about, here are the basics (and there are pretty much only basics):

• God loses faith in humanity and makes the clearly sane decision to destroy humanity. Michael (warrior in God's army, aka an angel) is given an order he doesn't agree with and decides to try to save humanity. At the same time this is happening a group of strangers is stuck at a diner in the middle of nowhere. Adriana Palicki (the pregnant Charlie), Lucas Black (Jeep), Dennis Quaid (Bob), Charles Dutton (Percy), Tyrese Gibson (Kyle), Kate Walsh (Sandra), Willa Holland (Audrey), and Jon Tenney (Howard) comprise the group of people in the diner. This group of strangers must hold off the forces of Heaven until Charlie delivers her baby, which plays out the way you'd expect it to in a horror movie.

I knew almost nothing about this movie before I watched it except that Paul Bettany (Michael) was in it and it was visually similar to Constantine. When I saw Tyrese stop in at the diner I was pretty certain either he or the Percy character were going to die (it's a horror movie after all). This film one-ups most other movies by killing both black characters. In fact, they kill all but two of the original characters. That part I can get behind, because indiscriminate killing makes good horror. The movie is definitely visually interesting, and there are some well written lines, but the movie goes from "movie about angry God trying to smite all humans" to "Terminator minus the robots plus angels". It's my kind of movie, but it falls flat. Paul Bettany is as good as he always is, delivering a great speech to Jeep about hope for humanity, but even with a great supporting cast, there are a lot of stupid plot holes and lines that just feel weird. 

One giant plus for this film was the casting. Tyrese plays kind of a sketchy bad-ass, which is kind of his forte. Dennis Quaid plays the diner owner and the resemblance between him and Lucas Black is uncanny. Someone should do a feel-good sports movie (because that's Quaid's best genre) and use Black as his son. They have good on-screen chemistry, but what really sells it is the fact that they look so much alike. Kate Walsh is almost unrecognizable as Sandra, mostly in attitude. All in all the cast was solid, they were just given little to work with.

What I loved most about this movie was the twist that angels and possession by angels were the things causing all of the death and mayhem. It was a refreshing twist and differentiated this film from Constantine and other Heaven vs. Hell movies. This knowledge also makes the antagonists all the more creepy. A little boy possessed by a demon saying "you're going to die now": scary. A little boy possessed by and angel saying "you're going to die now": verging on terrifying. When the things you have believed are good turn on you, the betrayal and subsequent damage are even worse mentally. 

Finally, the visual effects in this film are great. At one point, near the beginning of the siege on the diner, a lone ice cream truck playing that insanely creepy song drives out of the desert and up to the diner. A man gets out, spots people, screams like the henchmen in The Mummy, and elongates his arms and legs to do a creepy spidery crawl. The angels (Michael and Gabriel) are not your typical white-feathered cherubim. Instead they have bullet-repellent black wings and some pretty sweet weapons. They are warriors, as indicated by their clothing and the fact that they kick ass. There are other moments such as a little old lady crawling on the ceiling and the diner exploding that make more good horror/action moments.

All in all it wasn't a waste of time, but I'm glad I didn't pay money to see Legion. Some parts were a little too religious (unlike Constantine which managed to be more religious on the surface but less religious as a movie) and the plot is quite porous. If you don't like movies with demonic old people or demonic kids (I'd use angelic to be more correct, but that has different connotations) DO NOT see this movie. That's where almost all of the scares come from. That and the evil, evil ice cream man.

2.5 stars out of 5