The longest commercial ever is also one of the top ten commercials ever (that Darth Vader kid one was pretty awesome). Transformers: Dark of the Moon is 157 minutes of giant robots fighting to the death while their squishy human counterparts get in the way and/or killed. Unfortunately Shia LaBeouf is not one of the later. Even more unfortunately his girlfriend never is either. But before we get into that, lets start at the beginning and work our way through it all. I'm not going to give a plot synopsis for two reasons: first, a synopsis would require an actual plot; second, if you don't know the plot of Transformers and can't make an educated guess you shouldn't be reading a movie blog. Seriously, how bored are you?
I learned a few things about science and Michael Bay from watching this movie. Let me enlighten you all on my revelations, shall I?
Michael Bay is a Pimp (not in the good way)
What makes this "movie" a commercial is the insidious use of product placement. Cisco, Chevy, Arrowhead, Chevy, Twizzler, Chevy, etc., are all used as ingredients in this cinematic recipe the same way most (sane) people would use bacon if it tasted good with everything. Right now, even though it's been a good hour since I got out of the movie, I can still clearly picture the word Cisco printed on the back of a briefcase. If I didn't already have a deep-seeded hatred for the company then I might be interested in looking them up to find out what the hell they do.Even though Bay has been Chevy's pimp since we fist saw Bumblebee on screen, he's taken t to a whole new level in this film, plastering IMPALA across the fronts of two Autobots and using Chevy sedans for the government.
In addition to the Chevy pimping, Bay also utilizes his prior experience with Victoria's Secret in combination with the addition of model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to make whole scenes both pointless and additional VS ad pieces. When outrunning killer alien robots, I feel like I would ditch the heels. Apparently I'm wrong because she spends pretty much the whole film in heels, managing not to lose one or break a heel. In this sense he is both a brand (because people will connect her to VS) and the woman (because he cast her to have another hot piece of ass in his film after Megan Fox pissed him off; in my personal opinion he got that wrong because she's weird looking, but I have a personal bias).
Michael Bay loves Predator and The Matrix
Decepticons have always resembled the machines from The Matrix movies, but now the Decepticon ships are looking more like rejected sketches for the machines from the last Matrix film. Additionally, there are two very specific scenes that had me trying again to repress the memories of seeing Predator for the first time. Two of the Decepticons are definitely homages to that movies, and by "homage" I mean "stolen from" because Bay has not one unique idea in his head. There's too much ego for room for something like that. The Matrix references are not as noticeable if you've never seen The Matrix, but even people who haven't seen Predator have likely seen enough previews from sequels to know what they look like.
Michael Bay hates Chicago
The major CGI fight scene in this film takes place in Chicago, Il., previous residence of our current president, "The Windy City", and now a destroyed wasteland of glass, steel, and cement in Michael Bay's world (which would be a terrifying theme park). When a normal director would let the destruction end where the destruction ended in the first Transformers film, Bay proceeds to have the Decpticons wreak havoc over the city for the fun of it. A simple show of power would have the human masses cowering in corners, but Bay decides that it's necessary for them to destroy the city. Because that worked out so well in what movie? Oh yeah, The Matrix. I guess if they were wanting the humans to serve as batteries, then mindless enslavement would work, but *SPOILERS* the Decepticons wanted the humans to become slaves and work for them. This plan of attack just doesn't seem to match up with the overall goals. But, then again, neither does having McDreamy serve as the leader of the evil humans. All of this (including the part about Patrick Dempsey) just leads me to believe that Bay hates Chicago, and may be a Republican.
Michael Bay hates science
There are (at least) two parts of the movie where Michael Bay decides his science is cooler than "real" science, and therefore uses his instead. The first example I noticed was when people were getting blown up. They were getting exploded from the inside out/disintegrated. However one shot clearly shows a very white, fully intact skull bouncing down the street. How does that happen? Michael Bay plays God, that's how that happens. The second example is when a black hole is open right above Earth without sucking anything but a planet (not Earth) and the Decepticons back through it. Instead of acting a lot like the scenes from J.J. Abrams Star Trek, Bay decides to completely ignore the fact that a black hole had been opened and never broach the subject again. He doesn't even bother to make up an explanation for this one, but uses the five-year-old's method of dealing with things you can't explain: ignore it until it goes away. This is a tact that the respected directors of Hollywood have tried in respect to Michael Bay ineffectually.
There's no way I can say I don't like this movie, because that would be a giant lie. But I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate Michael Bay, but like the finished product. The casting was great, with some amazing additions such as John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk, and Frances McDormand. Megan Fox's replacement acts a bit better while being much, much less interesting, which is a very bland change (and the character is even less realistically a match for Sam Witwicky than Megan Fox was). The 3D was pretty cool for some scenes, but not as exciting as it could have been, and I don't know if it was worth the extra cost.
3.5 stars out of 5
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